This is a collection of monster porn that is so shameless and tongue in cheek (or wherever . . .) that it even dares to put in some swanky porn music in the opening sequence.
I don’t think I’ve ever come across that in an audio and it startled me. If I’m being honest, it scared me a little too and I turned the volume nob waaaaay down. Just what HAD I gotten myself into?
Warning: These stories were written to unlock your darkest fantasies and innermost desires. They are not for the faint of heart and are not your average erotica. They are not suitable for someone under 18 years of age. Read at your own risk...or delight!
Promises, promises . . .
So here we go.
The Ogre’s Mistress
A young widow goes hiking alone, makes it to the summit and then hears some grunts that scare her so much she slides down the mountain and breaks both legs. Man, that stinks! No worries though because she’s luckier than most of us. As she’s awaiting a slow, painful death, she’s rescued by the grunter who turns out to be a pointy eared, 7’ tall, man-bunned, green ogre. He sets her legs, feeds and cares for her and before long she begins to feel a stirring in her lady parts. Those man-buns are just irresistible, I guess. They make sweet human/ogre love and live HEA.
This was sweeter and much more vanilla than one would expect. But then again, I’ve read “Bloodraven” by P.L. Nunnand, well, ogres will never be the same for me!
The narration was serviceable but a little monotonous and emotionless for such a saucy little tale. It seemed as if it had been done in one take without any editing as I heard a very apparent stumble.
The Forbidden Mermaid
This one’s about a pirate (sorry his name has escaped me) with a southern/cockney/very strange accent. That’s okay as the talking isn’t that important here. The pirate’s brother sends him on a quest to retrieve some mermaid booty or some booty protected by a mermaid. Or something along those lines. It’s a difficult and treacherous journey but he defies the odds and finds the mermaid. Actually there are two of them and they demand he pleasure them immensely before they relinquish their treasure. So he does and promises to come back each year. It’s a win/win/win for him. Why this wasn’t called Ménage a Mermaid is beyond me. Alas, I am sad to report that I found it all a little too vanilla.
Taken by the Alien
This story sure takes its time to get steamy. There’s a lot of setup for so short a story and too much time is spent listening to the bickering between a team of geeky scientists who are on some sort of alien watch. I just wanted the aliens to hurry up and arrive so these folks would shut up! Eventually the aliens show up and the female scientist, Camille, finds herself strapped aboard a spacecraft. Apparently her “transmissions” (so that’s what she was doing!) were very suggestive and the alien is ready to mate. He smells of flowers and is sort of sexy with his pale blue skin and lime eyes. Tell me, how can a girl say no to that?
This one suffers from the “mating for life” trope. That one is even older than me and I don’t find it at all sexy but Camille is not me and, well, cue up that porno music . . .
The narration felt especially unnatural and stilted in this one. Wait, I think those are the same things, aren’t they? Much to my dismay, the sex was vanilla again and over nearly as soon as it began.
I’m seeing a pattern but I’ll keep going . . . Sheesh, the things I do for you people.
The Spartan and the Sexy Cyclops
This time around we have a lonely gladiator who lost his wife a few years back. Because he has nothing left to lose, he sets out to hunt the Cyclops ravaging his homeland. There’s another long-winded setup, and then it’s all about the insta-lust.
He finds the Cyclops and since he hasn’t “seen the flowers of a woman’s garden” in three very long years, he is attracted to her. That one eye is a thing of pure beauty, doncha know?! They have some improbable sex that surprisingly leaves them both satisfied. But I didn’t buy it. He’s a man. She’s a giant cyclops. No matter how hard I try, I cannot make this math add up.
The Sexy Beast Under the Full Moon
Alice follows the old ways and is hunted as a witch by her pea-brained townsfolk. One night, while on the run from her pitchfork wielding neighbors, she is plucked off the ground by a bewinged creature and brought back to his lair. She soon learns he is a vampire and an insufferable ass who insists she become his queen, right the eff now! I thought she’d fall at his feet and sexy times would ensue after his oh-so-romantic proposal but instead a werewolf shows up just in the nick of time and saves the day.
She rewards him with some sexy time.
I stopped rating these after the second story because they are all very similar and all suffer from the same short-comings. They are too short with too much setup taking up precious word count, the plots and characters are similar and not developed enough to have any kind of impact, there isn't any fun give and take, the sex is standard (boo!) and usually comes out of nowhere and is over with a groan and a blink. The narration needs some oomph, it was monotonous with strange accents and odd articulation. Overall it a very meh collection of vanilla sex wrapped up in a monster suit . I am sad. I truly wanted to love it, I wanted it to be fun and sexy and over the top crazy but it turned out to be none of those things.
"This audiobook was provided by the author, narrator, or publisher at no cost in exchange for an unbiased review courtesy of Audiobook Blast."