I Am Not Feeling POSITIVE!

So, this was in my email this morning.

Dear friend,

 

I happen to be an author writing gay erotica novels and publishing them on amazon,

 

due to recent censoring policy by amazon ... most of my books have been hidden from search inquiries, hence my already meager income has fallen by 90%

 

I believe I can reverse this with a few more positive reviews on amazon.

 

therefore I am asking you if eventually you might be interested to post a (positive) review for my books.

 

of course I would understand if graphic gay sex offends you ... but if not, would you please give me some help?

Bolding of the positive is mine. Now I abhor censorship, like all of us, and feel for authors whose work has been hidden from potential buyers because some twit with a little power and a trigger finger deemed it objectionable for whatever reason but what I find just as troublesome is the fact that many authors still believe that only positive reviews will help sales and they think this approach is a good one. Please authors (I am begging at this point) do a little reading around the web. You can start here. Talk to people who actually buy books. Stop listening to sycophants and butt kissers and crazy-pants wannabee writers.THEY ARE NOT HELPING YOU. I know it sucks to hear your book may not be perfect or have some reviewer pan it because your MC didn't shave his balls or whatnot but you need to let it go and realize someone else just might LOVE the hairy balls and love your book because of them. Just keep working and the reviews will come. And there will be both good and bad. I don't care how awesome your dog thinks you are, someone will hate you just because they can.

 

I, like many of my book geek friends, buy books based on honest reviews. I will never (ever, ever) buy a book from an author I've never heard of who has a slew of 5 star reviews that say a whole lot of nothing besides "It's beautiful and I loved it". Sorry but to me all I hear is "blah, blah, blah this book sort of stinks and I didn't even read much of it because I don't like reading but I am the authors best friend so I LOVED IT". I also won't accept them for review because I don't have time to read books I like never mind books I may have to work to struggle through. And then you want me to struggle even more (poor me, right?) to think up good thoughts (even if I have none) and write up a goody goody five star review which will take me at least a half hour on a coherent day so you can gain more sales and I can possibly gain a migraine from the stress of it all? Sorry I'm just not into that sort of self-torture right now.

 

I will, however, buy an unknown when I see a balance of good and bad reviews. The bad might just appeal to me because I have strange tastes and really there's nothing wrong with a little hair as long as it's clean, you know? I may love that damn book that received a cruel 1 star review and go ahead and write a fan-girly sickening love fest sort of review that will make all of my friends gag. But I'll do that on my own, thanks, without anyone looking over my shoulder waiting to hear nothing but sweet nothings and ready to rant on me if I can't come up with any.

 

I don't know why but I've been getting a lot of these requests and the tone is getting under my skin. Instead of playing on my sympathy (and there's little enough of that to go around) they are making me border-line nutso. My income is meager too but I don't go around whining about it, I go out and get a second job (thus the lack of reading time!).  If these authors, who I'm sure think they're doing what they're suppose to be doing (because they're taking some bad advice), would simply take, oh let's say, five freaking minutes to read more than one of my reviews they might realize that I don't give five stars to just anyone because someone has asked me too. Grrrrrr, this is how I want to respond but instead I wuss out and hit delete.

 

Dear Author who is Not My Friend,

 

Graphic gay sex will never offend the likes of me but I must decline your somewhat confusing offer to buy/borrow/get a free copy(?) of your books in exchange for a positive review and countless hours of my non-existent free time. I'm just not feeling the positive vibes today and probably won't be feeling them tomorrow or the next day either so odds are good the review would not be to your liking. I wish you the best,

 

Bark