Bark's Book Nonsense

I read the good, the awful & all of the "meh" in the middle. I'll read most any horror, romance & M/M novel that comes my way.  

Freebie Amazon US

Level Up: A Geek Romance Rom Com, Book 1 (Fandom Hearts) - Cathy Yardley

I heard about this on the latest Dear Bitches, Smart Authors podcast. It sounds really cute and is currently free @ Amazon.

 

Geeky introvert Tessa Rodriguez will do whatever it takes to get promoted to video game engineer– including create a fandom-based video game in just three weeks. The only problem is, she can't do it alone. Now, she needs to strong-arm, cajole, and otherwise socialize with her video game coworkers, especially her roommate, Adam, who’s always been strictly business with her. The more they work together, though, the closer they get…

Adam London has always thought of his roomie Tessa as “one of the guys” until he agreed to help her with this crazy project. Now, he’s thinking of her all the time… and certainly as something more than just a roommate! But his last girlfriend broke up with him to follow her ambitions, and he knows that Tessa is obsessed with getting ahead in the video game world.

Going from friends to something more is one hell of a challenge. Can Tessa and Adam level up their relationship to love?

My Wildest Dreams by Alexis Leitz (audio)

My Wildest Dreams: The Pep Squad Incentive: All American Exhibitionist, Book 2 - Alexis Leitz, Evonya Queen, SilvertonAudio.com

Some books just aren't meant for you, you know? You can't please everyone and all that. I promised myself I would stop reading books that weren't thrilling me this year because my tbr pile is scary high. I'm sad to say this is one of them. I've listened to more than half of the audio now and I'm calling it quits. The two of us just didn't connect and I'll tell you why (because that's what I do).

1. The opening cruise scene feels like a porn movie come to life. A swinging couple meet two naive exhibitionist virgins ready for fun. Yeah. I think I'm the wrong target audience for this. I need a little romance in my erotica or at least a monster. He doesn't even have to be sexy. But this had neither. I am sad.

2. The book constantly switches from 1st person POV to 3rd person POV. It was distracting and a little confusing at times because I couldn't always figure out who had just walked into the scene. Where the hell had she come from? Oh wait, that's just Lexie. My brain, oh how it hurts.

3. It reads like a diary of boring daily events instead of a fun adventure. Two young, beautiful friends meet people, make food, walk around naked, go swimming, talk cars, play mini-golf and have some sexy times. There didn't seem to be any plot or point and that might be okay if it wasn't all so boring. It could be me. I'll admit that. I'm spoiled by years of reading and I'm not into cars or mini-golf or spoiled young ladies bitching about how controlling their absent "parental units" are. Boo hoo hoo. Move out then, you lazy creatures. But, hey, if that's your thing go for it!

4. I know people don't pick up a series called "All American Exhibitionist" looking for a read that's going to change their life (or do they?) but I at least hoped for a smidgen of humor and/or character development or something vaguely interesting to happen. I found myself tuning out so I'm shutting it down for good.

Please don't tell me I'm missing all the good stuff by not finishing because I'm sticking my fingers in my ears.

 

Price Drop $2.99

Poisoning Eros Book I & II - Wrath James White, Monica J. O'Rourke

$2.99 at Amazon US. I've read both of these authors in the past and they take extreme horror to an entirely new level.

 

Sometimes life is unfair. Sometimes life just plain sucks. You do what you can to get by, but sometimes even that isn't enough.

Meet Gloria, aging porno star, drug addict, failed wife and mother—seduced into a monstrous world of depraved sex and violent deceit, battling to save her immortal soul and that of her only daughter from Inferno … and you thought your life was hell.

Amazon Kindle US Freebie

The Unintentional Time Traveler (Time Guardians Book 1) - Everett Maroon

I found this interesting sounding book from my wishlist free this morning over at Amazon.

 

 

Fifteen-year-old Jack Bishop has mad skills with cars and engines, but knows he’ll never get a driver’s license because of his epilepsy. Agreeing to participate in an experimental clinical trial to find new treatments for his disease, he finds himself in a completely different body—that of a girl his age, Jacqueline, who defies the expectations of her era. Since his seizures usually give him spazzed out visions, Jack presumes this is a hallucination. Feeling fearless, he steals a horse, expecting that at any moment he’ll wake back up in the clinical trial lab. When that doesn’t happen, Jacqueline falls unexpectedly in love, even as the town in the past becomes swallowed in a fight for its survival. Jack/Jacqueline is caught between two lives and epochs, and must find a way to save everyone around him as well as himself. And all the while, he is losing time, even if he is getting out of algebra class

Creature Delights: The Complete Collection (audio review)

Creature Delights: The Complete Collection - Our Pack Press, Cheyenne Madison, James Eva

This is a collection of monster porn that is so shameless and tongue in cheek (or wherever . . .) that it even dares to put in some swanky porn music in the opening sequence.



I don’t think I’ve ever come across that in an audio and it startled me. If I’m being honest, it scared me a little too and I turned the volume nob waaaaay down. Just what HAD I gotten myself into?

Warning: These stories were written to unlock your darkest fantasies and innermost desires. They are not for the faint of heart and are not your average erotica. They are not suitable for someone under 18 years of age. Read at your own risk...or delight!

Promises, promises . . .

So here we go.

The Ogre’s Mistress

A young widow goes hiking alone, makes it to the summit and then hears some grunts that scare her so much she slides down the mountain and breaks both legs. Man, that stinks! No worries though because she’s luckier than most of us. As she’s awaiting a slow, painful death, she’s rescued by the grunter who turns out to be a pointy eared, 7’ tall, man-bunned, green ogre. He sets her legs, feeds and cares for her and before long she begins to feel a stirring in her lady parts. Those man-buns are just irresistible, I guess. They make sweet human/ogre love and live HEA.

This was sweeter and much more vanilla than one would expect. But then again, I’ve read “Bloodraven” by P.L. Nunnand, well, ogres will never be the same for me!



The narration was serviceable but a little monotonous and emotionless for such a saucy little tale. It seemed as if it had been done in one take without any editing as I heard a very apparent stumble.

3 stars

The Forbidden Mermaid

This one’s about a pirate (sorry his name has escaped me) with a southern/cockney/very strange accent. That’s okay as the talking isn’t that important here. The pirate’s brother sends him on a quest to retrieve some mermaid booty or some booty protected by a mermaid. Or something along those lines. It’s a difficult and treacherous journey but he defies the odds and finds the mermaid. Actually there are two of them and they demand he pleasure them immensely before they relinquish their treasure. So he does and promises to come back each year. It’s a win/win/win for him. Why this wasn’t called Ménage a Mermaid is beyond me. Alas, I am sad to report that I found it all a little too vanilla.

2.5 *’s

Taken by the Alien

This story sure takes its time to get steamy. There’s a lot of setup for so short a story and too much time is spent listening to the bickering between a team of geeky scientists who are on some sort of alien watch. I just wanted the aliens to hurry up and arrive so these folks would shut up! Eventually the aliens show up and the female scientist, Camille, finds herself strapped aboard a spacecraft. Apparently her “transmissions” (so that’s what she was doing!) were very suggestive and the alien is ready to mate. He smells of flowers and is sort of sexy with his pale blue skin and lime eyes. Tell me, how can a girl say no to that?

This one suffers from the “mating for life” trope. That one is even older than me and I don’t find it at all sexy but Camille is not me and, well, cue up that porno music . . .

The narration felt especially unnatural and stilted in this one. Wait, I think those are the same things, aren’t they? Much to my dismay, the sex was vanilla again and over nearly as soon as it began.

I’m seeing a pattern but I’ll keep going . . . Sheesh, the things I do for you people.

The Spartan and the Sexy Cyclops

This time around we have a lonely gladiator who lost his wife a few years back. Because he has nothing left to lose, he sets out to hunt the Cyclops ravaging his homeland. There’s another long-winded setup, and then it’s all about the insta-lust.

He finds the Cyclops and since he hasn’t “seen the flowers of a woman’s garden” in three very long years, he is attracted to her. That one eye is a thing of pure beauty, doncha know?! They have some improbable sex that surprisingly leaves them both satisfied. But I didn’t buy it. He’s a man. She’s a giant cyclops. No matter how hard I try, I cannot make this math add up.

The Sexy Beast Under the Full Moon

Alice follows the old ways and is hunted as a witch by her pea-brained townsfolk. One night, while on the run from her pitchfork wielding neighbors, she is plucked off the ground by a bewinged creature and brought back to his lair. She soon learns he is a vampire and an insufferable ass who insists she become his queen, right the eff now! I thought she’d fall at his feet and sexy times would ensue after his oh-so-romantic proposal but instead a werewolf shows up just in the nick of time and saves the day.

She rewards him with some sexy time.

I stopped rating these after the second story because they are all very similar and all suffer from the same short-comings. They are too short with too much setup taking up precious word count, the plots and characters are similar and not developed enough to have any kind of impact, there isn't any fun give and take, the sex is standard (boo!) and usually comes out of nowhere and is over with a groan and a blink. The narration needs some oomph, it was monotonous with strange accents and odd articulation. Overall it a very meh collection of vanilla sex wrapped up in a monster suit . I am sad. I truly wanted to love it, I wanted it to be fun and sexy and over the top crazy but it turned out to be none of those things.

"This audiobook was provided by the author, narrator, or publisher at no cost in exchange for an unbiased review courtesy of Audiobook Blast."

Reading progress update: I've read 40%.

Creature Delights: The Complete Collection - Our Pack Press, Cheyenne Madison, James Eva

So a pirate with a weirdly southern/cockney accent plans to the steal the booty from a mermaid . . . 

 

 

 

Instead he meets two mermaids and they want something from him. Can you guess what might be happening next?!  No? I'll give you a hint. He gave something back . . .

Reading progress update: I've read 30%.

Creature Delights: The Complete Collection - Our Pack Press, Cheyenne Madison, James Eva

Look out!

 

 

 

Read into that whatever you wish.

I know you want it!

Creature Delights: The Complete Collection - Our Pack Press, Cheyenne Madison, James Eva

UPDATE:  It's mine, all mine!

 

Guys look at what I found up for review on Audio Blast this morning!  Seriously I could not believe my eyes. I've requested my copy. Wish me luck :) 

Warning: These stories were written to unlock your darkest fantasies and innermost desires. They are not for the faint of heart and are not your average erotica. They are not suitable for someone under 18 years of age. Listen at your own risk...or delight!

 

      Inside

The Complete Collection, you'll get five full stories, including:

"The Ogre's Mistress"

"The Forbidden Mermaid"

"Taken by the Alien"

"The Spartan and the Sexy Cyclops"

"The Sexy Beast Under the Full Moon"

 

Unlock your hidden desires! When you meet these creatures, it will not be fear you feel but something else...something deeper...something sexier. Will you run for your life...or will you stay and discover a side of the mythological beasts that no one has ever known?

 

Fans of Christie Sims and E. L. James will love this spicy-hot romance series with strong, independent women and sexy, strange alpha heroes.

Wolf Hunt by Jeff Strand (audiobook)

Wolf Hunt - Jeff Strand, Jeff Strand, Scott Thomas

Two wise cracking lower level thugs take on the job of transporting a so-called werewolf named Ivan to a wealthy weirdo who wants him for nefarious purposes. The two figure it’ll be easy money. There’s no such thing as a real werewolf, right?  

 

Things go awry, as they will. This is a novel written by Jeff Strand after all. Blood is shed and sarcasm is spewed hither and fro (along with a few body parts) as our tenacious thugs make one dumb move after another. It’s funny, they reminded me a little of those loveable nitwits from Home Alone at points, but it’s also brutal. This is a black comedy and I’m still not over an early scene involving dogs and probably never will be. 

 

 

 

But that’s my problem.

 

Anyway, despite my sadness about a particular scene, the writing and the spectacular narration had an insidious power over me and I kept going, even when it took me to places I didn’t particularly want to visit. The story was nuts and the narration one of the best I’ve listened to in a good long while. He gave each character their own distinctive voice, didn’t go all fake falsetto on the women characters and really brought the scenes to life. Even when the story dragged here and there, I never found myself dozing and I credit that to the narrator.

 

I’d give the story a three and the narration a five. Guess I’ll have to settle for a four.

 

"This audiobook was provided by the author, narrator, or publisher at no cost in exchange for an unbiased review courtesy of Audiobook Blast."

Free for today

Slade - Victoria Ashley

Free for the Kindle, Amazon US.  Come on, how can you resist that blurb? Get yours HERE!

 

My name is Slade Merrick and I’m a fucking sex addict . . .

I’ve been told it’s a problem. But I see it as a passion; something that I’m good at. And who the fuck stops something that they’re good at?

They want me to seek help; get my cock in check. Don't judge my lifestyle. You’re no better than me. Just admit it, you like to fuck too. Sex is what I do best; my own personal high, so I embrace it instead of being ashamed.

When I'm not fucking, I'm slinging drinks at Walk Of Shame or stripping my way into your bed; another thing I'm good at. Every woman’s darkest fantasy brought to life.

So, am I stopping? Fuck no. Sex is beautiful, raw and erotic and I get off knowing I can have it with anyone I want . . . with the exception of her.

Aspen.

She walks into the club swaying those hips, instantly drawing my cock to attention. She’s pure perfection. That is, until she opens that mouth, drawing me in and for the first time in forever I want something more than sex. I want her and she hates it.

Things get dirty. Dirty is what I like; it’s how I live. But . . . she’s playing a game she can never win.

***Author's note*** Due to strong language and a very high amount of dirty, sexual content, this book is not intended for readers under the age of 18. This is #1 in the Walk Of Shame series of novellas that will all be STANDALONE reads. If you're not into, cocky bad boys with filthy mouths and even filthier sex, then this series is not for you. If you are . . . then, come meet the dirty boys of Walk Of Shame.

Freebie on my Wishlist :)

Get Off On The Pain - Victoria Ashley

Yay, two in one week!  This one is free for the Kindle Amazon US. Get it HERE!

 

Sexy, tattooed and inevitably dangerous. Memphis is all that and more…

I live for the pain; it’s what drives me to keep moving. But there comes a time when one has to push the demons aside in order to survive.

I thought I buried them deep. I thought I was ready to finally live. Until… my brother, Alex; he throws me into the fire—right into the place I could never control myself, the one place I never want to be again.

When I put my hands on people, they get hurt. Things happen that bring me back to that night. The one that will forever torment me.

I’m doing fine, keeping to myself in order to ensure no one gets hurt by me. Then along comes Lyric, and all I want to do is touch her, to put my hands in places that I know will only lead to her being crushed by me.

She’s the rush that I crave. The darkest of poison running through my veins, killing me bit by bit; like a drug I can’t get enough of even though I’m almost down to my last breath.

And being around her only hurts more, but what she doesn’t understand is that I welcome the pain; I get off on it, which in the end leaves me with the hardest decision of my life—one that might get us all killed…

***Author's note*** Due to strong language and sexual content, this book is not intended for readers under the age of 18. This is a stand-alone novel that will have more books with side characters that can all be read alone.

Personal Demons by Stacia Kane

Personal Demons - Stacia Kane

Megan is a counselor who recently agreed to host a radio show that promises to “slay personal demons”.  Unfortunately, Megan lives in a world where real demons exist and now they think she’s after them. Yikes!

 

This seriously complicates her life and brings all sorts of new people and demons into it. Problem is, even though she’s psychic, she can’t read demons and discern the helpful ones from the harmful ones. Greyson Dante claims to be the helpful sort but he’s a demon, and how far can one really trust a demon? Especially a gorgeous demon . . .

 

This book is pretty light and fluffy and fun. There’s nothing too dramatic, gory or heart-wrenching going on. It’s a little sexy, a little snarky and a good choice if you’re looking for a book that won’t rip out your heart. I’ve heard this author is known for edgy characters but this one reminded me more of a fun tv episode and sort of has the light-hearted  IZombie (minus the zombie) vibe going for it. I know I won’t remember it come next week but it was fun while it lasted.

Kindle Freebie @ Amazon (US)

This Regret - Victoria Ashley

This has some pretty good reviews and it apparently doesn't end on a cliffhanger! You can get yours HERE.

 

 

Phoenix has been stumbling through life since her brother Adric's tragic death but after eight years, she is finally piecing what remains together. She has a nice apartment, a steady job and not to mention a fresh new 'relationship' with her childhood friend, Kade Haze. He's the sexy boy next door she never even dreamed of falling for, but can’t seem to stop the pull she feels toward him.

Just when life began to make sense again and a feeling of normalcy was on the horizon, Phoenix's carefully constructed walls come crashing down.

When walking into the tattoo shop one day, the last thing she’s expecting to see is Kellan Haze, Adric’s best friend no one has seen or heard from since the day they found her brother’s body. He’s nothing as she remembers him as a child, with his wild messy hair, tattoos that cover most of his undeniably sexy body and eyes so intense it makes her legs quiver with one look. The one thing even she can’t deny is the instant rush she feels just by being in his presence.

But how can you choose between love and lust when one of these hold a dark secret, one that can crush your world to pieces and leave you gasping for air. Who can you trust when your mind is pulling you in two different directions and your heart has to choose for you?

The Haze brothers are sexy, daring and possibly . . . dangerous.

This Regret is a story of love, lust, betrayal and danger with an ending that no one saw coming.

***Author's note*** Due to strong language and sexual content, this book is not intended for readers under the age of 18. This is a stand-alone novel that will have more books with side characters that can all be read alone.

Fred and Rose Are Back to Haunt You

Fred And Rose: The Full Story of Fred and Rose West and the Gloucester House of Horrors by Sounes, Howard (1995) Paperback - Howard Sounes

Haha!  Just ignore, I'm afraid to back date it fearing a repeat of this morning and I want to try to get all of my reviews tagged and categorized here correctly. If it turns out this review is haunted and starts repeating itself, I'll delete it for good.

 

This is an account of the true life multiple murder and bizarre sex perpetrated by an ordinary looking man named Fred and his wife Rose. Together they raped, murdered, dismembered and buried at least ten (but likely many more) innocent women who fell into their clutches. Together. {{{shudders}}} Can you imagine finding (and keeping) your soul mate when your obsession is violent, murderous sex? Can you imagine raising a family and keeping up a facade of normalcy while doing so? Well these two managed it. It’s much worse than any horror novel could every try to be because, sadly enough, it’s all true.

 

The author states the story matter of factly, never getting preachy but just stating the facts ma’am. He starts things off with their childhoods which were a bloody mess of dysfunction. Both suffered their share of trauma, physical and sexual, before the fateful day they found each other, fell into a twisted version of love and began their spree of sexual abuse and murder. They both seem to be barely functioning people and never really had a chance what with their horrid pasts and all. But still it is very difficult to find any sympathy for either of them as their tale unfolds.

 

This book made me stop and wonder just what the hell was wrong with me. Why on earth did I want to continue reading about these horrible people? Why couldn’t I put it down? Why did I have to keep reading “just one more page”? I guess it’s my terrible curiosity but these stories have some sort of pull on me and once I start them I have to see them through to the awful end even if means wishing I could scrub myself from the inside out to get some of the images out of my mind when I’m done.

 

It amazed, saddened and sickened me how loyal Fred remained to Rose until the very end. Despite all of the hell the two created together, the countless sex partners and the sick secrets they kept, Fred loved Rose in his twisted way and couldn’t live without her and still thought himself “a nice man”. That’s about the sickest and scariest thing I’ve ever read.

 

I only recommend this to those with an interest in real life crime sprees and with an iron clad stomach. The content is extremely rough and hard to forget once read.

Fred and Rose is hopefully gone for good

let me know if you see it again.  I had pre-dated the blog post and I swear I only set it to post once not 50 times!  It never even showed up in my blog, only the feed. Ugh, good thing I checked in today! 

Cruel Beauty by Rosamund Hodge (narrated by Elizabeth Knowelden)

Cruel Beauty - Elizabeth Knowelden, Rosamund Hodge

I am once again the party pooper or just the one with horrid taste.  This book didn’t thrill me. It didn’t start out that way. It started out fabulously, actually. I’m a sucker for Beauty and the Beast retellings and I loved the angry, revenge-filled heroine and her prickly interactions with the man she was forced to marry. He was actually pretty humorous.  She punches him in the face, tries to stab him with a fork and all he can do is slyly smile and say, “I do like a wife with a little malice in her heart.”  I saw at least a 4 ½ star rating in this books future but then, as many a book does, it frustrated and eventually lost me.

 

The narration was wonderful.  Elizabeth Knowelden gave it everything she had and breathed life into the characters but somewhere, I’m guessing it was about the midway point but who really knows, after the introduction of a unique love triangle (but still . . . love triangle, ugh), much dithering back and forth and kissing of both men (who can blame a girl, right? ugh), and much less of the fun dialogue that I so enjoyed in the beginning, my attention started to wane.

 

So like any good Beauty & the Beast tale, there’s a big curse. There’s also a justifiably angry heroine and a plot filled with mythology and mysteries and many twists and turns. Those weren't my problems. The biggest problem for me was Nyx’s dithering between her lover boys and her loyalties and the fact that all of her relatives were just selfish and awful and basically ruined her future happiness for their own gain. She should've let them all suck it. But, alas, instead of stabbing them with a fork as they so well deserved, she acquiesces to their wishes time and again and it made me very growly. They were completely deserving of her hatred, if you ask me. I know you didn’t but there it is. On a final note, the ending was decent but the frustration to get there nearly did me in.

 

The first half (or so) gets a 4 ½ the rest a 2. I guess I’ll have to settle on a three.

 

Borrowing my funny friend Shelby's gif because it suits me too ;)

 

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